Experiment Log

Dear Diary,

Today I have learned of a new manner of LESSER BEAST that inhabits this STRANGE REALM. It is called the SOUR HEART, and it is a cunning, loyal familiar, favoured by witches and alchemists alike. I've attached an image below.

two candy hearts with mischievous faces, sharp teeth, arms with big claws, and tiny legs

I simply must create one for myself. I have been lacking in good assistants ever since I entered this GODSFORSAKEN LAND, where the citizens are too obsessed with fishing and having picnics to invest in a good old-fashioned WIZARD APPRENTICESHIP. But an animated candy construct shall not hound me with these petty complaints! I shall once again be free to engage in my ELDRITCH EXPERIMENTS, without having to dedicate hours of my time hunting for ingredients and equipment!

I do not have a recipe, but as an ACCOMPLISHED ALCHEMIST, I am sure it will be no trouble at all for me to decipher their inner workings. I plan to report back soon with good news.

I am having a DEVIL OF A TIME trying to locate the necessary ingredients. Can you believe that the general store was SOLD OUT OF CANDY?! And after my ARDUOUS JOURNEY into the city centre! That PERNICIOUS SHOPKEEPER refused to even look in the back for me. If I were in my original glorious wizard shape, NO ONE would show me such disrespect. In the end, I had to resort to using SODA POP and ICE CREAM to obtain the NECESSARY SUCROSE for my EXPERIMENTAL TRIALS.

On the bright side, the trials are going well. I have successfully managed to recreate the alchemical formula for the SOUR HEART. All that remains is to obtain the FINAL INGREDIENT, which will imbue my creation with a SPARK OF LIFE. Soon, all my troubles will be over. I will never have to speak to a blasted shopkeeper again.

I have been HOODWINKED and BAMBOOZLED!! The plushpet who told me about the SOUR HEARTS had MISREPRESENTED THEIR TEMPERAMENT ENTIRELY. They are not loyal at all; they are nightmarish little creatures who do not recognize their RIGHTFUL MASTER. The moment my first successful experiment leapt out of the cauldron, it immediately LEAPT ONTO MY FACE and attempted to destroy my ADORABLE BUTTON EYES with its FORMIDABLE CLAWS. Worse, I had prepared a LARGE BATCH of the INFERNAL BEASTS, so more came crawling out and began to trash my WIZARD'S ATELIER!!!

Two of them worked together to topple the GLEAMING CAULDRON they were born from, spilling SUGAR GOOP all over the floor. Another seized my TOME OF MAGICS AND ALCHEMY and attempted to eat it - fortunately, the wards triggered and turned it into a harmless, inanimate MARSHMALLOW FOWL. The final heart simply crawled onto my ingredient shelf and knocked as many items to the floor as it possibly could.

Fortunately, I was able to dispatch the vermin with my signature POWERFUL EVOCATIONS after a long and epic battle in a SINGLE, DECISIVE STROKE. As I write, I am watching from my TOWER WINDOW as they run screaming into the distance, off to terrorize some other plushpet. They are intelligent enough to FEAR me, at least, if not OBEY me.

The floor of my atelier is now coated in STICKY SUGAR and BROKEN GLASS. Many of my RARE AND POTENT INGREDIENTS have been destroyed entirely. It will take me weeks, if not months, to repair the damage. When I find that plushpet who BETRAYED me, they shall know A HELL THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN IMAGINED. But for now, I need to go buy a broom.


The Incredible Quilton Inkwell